Winter Fiasco: Seeing red ain't pretty.

I was having a fairly good day. I had on a nice outfit - black jeans with a faded white stonewash pattern from H&M, a plum tee-shirt also from H&M, a black silky shredded scarf thrown lazily about my neck and of course one of my favorite green sports rainjackets. Not to mention I had on my precious thrift-store find genuine leather ankle combat boots that were distressed to the max, even my underwear (I was wearing my favorite boyshorts) were on point! And by some godly miracle, I'd managed to do something to my hair that made it look like I had dreads.

All in all I looked good.

I felt better when I caught black alt haircut cashier chick checking me out in the local Kohl's.

Mind you, I was in a small rural mainly Christian town where just recently protests against the expansion of the local mosque were held in my high school, what were the chances that I would find another queer leering around while out on the town?

So yeah, all was fine and dandy until I made the mistake of strutting through the mall.

It wasn't so bad at first. I only saw a few familiar faces, some old acquaintances from high school, middle school even, ya know, people you don't talk to even if you run into them.

Just when I was at my high, I was walking past the children sitting on Santa's lap and I saw her.

My ultra-straight, ultra-conservative, ultra-Christian bestfriend who I wish was a complete stranger and have been wishing was a complete stranger since sometime senior year.

If that didn't make things worse, she'd texted me days before asking to hang out and I'd lied and told her I was in Georgia on family vacay for Christmas holidays.

So yeah, there she was. There I was, standing like a deer in headlights forcing a smile, forcing my feet to walk over to her, forcing my arms to wrap around her in a hug and ultimately forcing myself to hang out with her for the rest of the day. I somehow convinced myself that if I just hung out with her then, I could avoid her and anyone else from that sector of life for the rest of winter break.

It was only one day after all, how bad could it get? Right?

Wrong. It was a living hell.

@Starbucks

We decided to catch up over coffee. Actually, I dragged her to Starbucks with me because I knew there was no way I was going to make it through an entire day pretending to be the same'old same'old without being near intoxicated with caffeine. She doesn't even drink coffee.

It was here that things started going south.

The following events took place after this girl going on a rant about the red starbucks cups at what I thought was the top of her lungs so that everyone on that side of the mall could hear her:

We were standing in line waiting for our drinks when the guy in front of us said something, I don't even remember what it was, let alone notice what it was at the time. But she noticed and you know how I know that she noticed? Because she made a stupid and offensive comment about how men who talked like that had to be either European or gay.

Yes, I was appalled at her for making the comment even if it was a reference to Mean Girls but more so at me for ignoring the instinct that was telling me to blow up at her and teach her why that comment was rude, distasteful and unnacceptable because apparently she never learned. I don't even think the guy was gay, I don't care, what I do know is that I didn't speak up when I had the chance.

Instead I just let the shiver of disgust run through my body while asking "Why would you say something like that?" I let her respond with a giggle as if what she did was cute. It wasn't.

And no matter how good I looked then, I wanted nothing more than to stuff myself into the trash can I stood next to. I wanted to do exactly what I've been trying so hard not to do these past few months. I wanted to hide.

I spent the rest of our evening together thinking happy thoughts to gloss over the fact that I'd cowered.

Since that day, I would rather look foolish and stupid for being me while loving who I am than feel the shame and confusion that comes as a result of hiding me, essentially hating who I am.